We all want
to believe in a better future but trying to be positive about the future isn’t easy
when the present is so hard. The
feelings of hopelessness, sadness and loneliness are so strong it’s hard to
believe I will overcome them. I want to
believe things will get better but I can’t. Struggling through depression the
last few years has been difficult enough, but now I’m suffering with an actual
physical illness that I’m finding really hard to cope with. I wish I was strong enough to deal with the
daily struggles I am faced with, but having been depressed for about eight
years now I haven’t the emotional strength or the spirit I need to help myself.
Before I was
diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, I didn’t really know what it was; I still
don’t fully understand it. I knew it was
a condition that affected joints and caused pain, but I didn’t realise that it
affected your whole body; your joints and muscles, immune system, organs and
skin. I didn’t realise that this
constant exhaustion I am feeling is a part of it or constantly feeling
generally unwell. I was confusing a lot
of the symptoms with depression symptoms and couldn’t understand why I was having
all those feelings again when I had come so far. My lack of interest in doing anything, my
struggle to get up and get going every day, my struggle to stay focused on my
daily tasks, was this me being completely depressed again or is it part of my
arthritis? Has my arthritis caused my
depression to take a massive step backwards or is my depression making my
arthritis seem worse than it is? Maybe
it would be easier to deal with if I knew for definite that it was all part of
a physical condition because eventually I will find the right treatment and all
these feelings will be cured. But if it’s
all part of being depressed I’m not sure if I can find my way back again.
It’s been
almost a year now since I was diagnosed and I’m not feeling any better despite
all the medication I’ve been on. In fact,
if anything I’m worse. I have pains now
in places I didn’t have last year. Some
days parts of my body refuse to work and when they do work the pain can be
almost unbearable. The pain I feel is
hard to describe; it feels like I have hot broken glass going through by bones
or hot nails stabbing into my bones. I
still feel as exhausted as I did over a year ago and I still have that feeling
of pressure in certain areas, which I now know is inflammation of tissue, not a
heart problem which I thought I had due to the constant pressure I had in my
chest. I know finding the right
treatment can take time; some people are lucky to find something that helps
them straight away. I, on the other hand
try things that give me all the side effects, like constant nausea and losing
my hair, and none of the benefits. I am
now waiting to start a new medication and I hope that this will be the one that
will suit me. I want to be positive
about starting something new but I don’t want to get my hopes up either so I’ll
just have to see how it goes.
If this new
treatment works out then maybe I can start doing things that will help my
well-being like walking and some other forms of exercise, which at the moment I
feel unable to do as I’m too exhausted.
I might also be able to do a few social activities. One of the things that really get me down is
the fact I have lost contact with a lot of friends. I’d love to be able to go out more and spend
more time with friends but I just don’t have the energy. Now they have all moved on with other friends
and plan things without me and while this upsets me, I can’t really blame
them. They don’t understand how I’m
feeling so they probably think I’m just not interested in doing what they’re
doing. I really miss having a laugh on a
night out and having a good chat with friends.
Hopefully if I start to feel better I’ll have those nights again.
Well done Ais, good insight. Keep it up. It WILL get better xx
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